Wednesday, September 5, 2007

My Bottom 10

I'm fairly impressed with the graphic I found for my last post, which almost made me refrain from writing a new post. However, I've moved past it and am coming to terms with the immediate and fleeting nature of internet writing.

Now that that's out of the way, I thought I'd actually compose a Bottom 10, as discussed in my post a couple days ago. (Read it again here.) I'd like to offer two small caveats. First of all, I just wanted to let everyone know that apparently I hate a lot of things, because I can think of way more than 10 that qualify for my bottom 10. Guess I'm just a hater.

Now my second caveat. Lest any Street Cred readers think I'm superficial, I want to point out that this Bottom 10 intentionally consists only of silly or lighthearted items. Obviously my real, true, honest Bottom 10 would include serious things - not the least of which are racism, war and poverty. But come on, can we really talk about these kinds of issues in a list modeled after a video last seen on Homestarrunner.com? Right, that's what I thought. So I vow to keep this light and breezy, in honor of Strongbadia.

So here it is, the much-awaited Bottom 10 countdown:

10) Melted cheese. (As promised, I've included melted cheese in my Bottom 10. And indeed, it belongs here. I discreetly pick the melted cheese off of my pizza [as many a meal sharer can attest to], I balk at the sight of a mozzarella stick, and mac and cheese is only okay if the cheese is creamy and not stringy or melted on the top. My issues with melted cheese are very specific and deal with matters of consistency. I have similar issues with rubbery foods. I have separate issues with meat and with anything resembling anything I recognize. For more information on my food idiosyncrasies, contact me directly.)

9) The U.S. postal service changing the price of stamps. ("Now what do I do with these?" I will not buy 1 cent stamps. I refuse. Thanks, USPS. Now I have a fucking stamp collection because everything I buy from you, ever, ends up being useless. What a scam.)

8) Loud chewing. (Come on people, we're trying to eat here. Nobody wants to listen to your flapping gums as you chew your food. No, seriously. Shut your mouth. It's pretty simple. Caveat: those with colds get a pass. We know you don't mean to do it.)

7) Newsprint. (It's 2007, New York Times. Can't you figure out how to process your paper so that damn newsprint doesn't come off on my fingers? I like the satisfaction of reading an actual newspaper in front of me rather than scrolling through it online. But hello, Gray Lady, it's not gonna happen if it continues to end up smudged on my forehead as I rub that very forehead in frustration with my newsprint-smeared hands. Not cute.)

6) Bottoms of jars. (How am I supposed to get any of this stuff out?! Peanut butter. Pasta sauce. Candles. Shampoo. Whatever. I'm SO over scraping. And too cheap to throw it away. Now all that stuff is littering my fridges, cupboards, drawers, shower shelf, countertops. I shake my too-big-to-fit-in-the-jar fist at you, jar designers!)

5) Email forwards that include grave threats to my life, luck, love life, or general health and well-being if I don't forward them to someone else. (Okay, look. These were mildly amusing to me back in the day because I thought people were lame for being duped into sending them. Poor internet virgins who didn't know any better, I used to think. Now I have no further benefit of the doubt to extend to you people. The only thing I can figure is that you've decided to crown "irritating Lisa" as one of your life goals.)

4) Expensive art that looks like I personally painted it. (Cezanne, Monet, Degas, Picasso -- I get you all. Even Pollock. I get you too. So it's not that I can't appreciate modern art. But let's be honest. Go to a modern art museum and count how many things look like your three-year-old niece made them. Those ones I don't get. A straight red line. A plain circle. Something that looks like a finger-painting I brought home to mom about 20 years ago. I'm sorry. I can't understand the vision. I can't understand how it's artistry. And most of all, I can't understand why it costs a zillion dollars. I can make you one real quick on my lunch break if you want. For free. Yeah, yeah, I know. This probably makes me an idiot who doesn't deserve to step foot in a museum. Art teachers never liked me anyway. So be it.)

3) People who think they're the smartest person in the world. (You all know who I'm talking about. That one guy you know who simply can't be argued with because he refuses to recognize that someone else might have a valid opinion or thought on anything at all. I'm pretty smart, and most of my friends are as smart as or smarter than me. And yet I'm willing to recognize that there's a hell of a lot of stuff that I don't know very much about. Also, I'm willing to admit that sometimes I'm probably wrong about things, and that even if I'm not, someone else's opinion is valid. If you can't recognize any of that, you need some perspective. And I have little to no patience for you. And p.s., you're not very fun to talk to. Negative cred points to you.)

2) The local news. (I don't care where you live. It's horrible. I want to punch the newscasters in the face, and then punch myself in the face for staying on the channel for longer than it takes to channel surf. "Wow that was some story, Sandy! A basket of puppies?" "Hahaha ohhhh Bob. Those crazy puppies." Yeah I think the weather girl and I both just short-circuited.)

And the one you've all been waiting for...

1) February. (First of all, February, what is with how you're spelled? Way to confuse mediocre spellers everywhere. Secondly, the 28 days thing? Combined with special consideration during Leap Years [which are bogus in their own right]? Please, February. It's so obvious that you just want all the attention on yourself. And I'm SO over that. Also, Feb. is the keeper of Groundhog Day, Valentine's Day, the day Pluto the planet was discovered [poor Pluto! I haven't forgotten about you, lil buddy], and Presidents' Day. Talk about sham and mockery!!! The most bogus holidays of the bunch! And then, just to rub it in, the observance of Black History Month gets dumped in February, as if it's a similar sham, hoarded away in a 28-day shame fest with the likes of Punxsutawney Phil, a planet that's been shunned, an observance of a bunch of political hacks [each of whom 50% of the country hates], and a holiday designed to make people feel miserable or broke?? I'm offended, and I think it's clear BHM is outright getting the shaft. February, I'm on to you. Mega shade cred. You're a smug, selfish, attention-hungry imposter month with racist tendencies. And I've had enough.)

8 comments:

Erik said...

Ok...you done made me go after you on this one...

10) Check your pulse...melted cheese is one of the...no...THE greatest component of pizza, pasta, chicken finger subs, SPIEDIES, and much much more...to not like melted cheese is...well...in a word...soulless...is that a word? It is now.

9) Buy forever stamps, on sale now. Buy a lot of them.

8) I agree with this one...it belongs here...

7) Rub silly putty on it first and read it that way.

6) You need to start flipping my dear. My fridge is full of upsidedown peanut butter, mustard, and other condiment bottles. Toothpaste makers even designed these new toothpaste bottles that can be flipped.

5) Agree on these as well...

4) Albright Knox here in Buffalo has on display a 8 foot by 10 foot canvas covered in green paint...the name you ask??? "Green Canvas"...it has been there for years. YEARS! UB's gallery for a while had a spring glued to a board and on the other end, a bee stuck through the end of the spring...the name??? "BEE ON A SPRING"!!! W....T....F....

3) The above are not debatable and your opinions on them are invalid ;)

2) I disagree greatly here...I LOVE the local news...because it is local news!!! You need to change your perspective to enjoy it perhaps...I watch it much in the way I would watch an elementary school performing Shakespeare. I expect line flubs, horrific transitions, and technical difficulties.

1) I think March is just as bad. February and March do not have a lot to offer.

3 out of 10...not tooooooo bad....

Erik said...

wait....5 out of 10...the art and the "think they are right" people count

Lisa said...

Ok well that's half, that's not so bad then.

penshark said...

February always makes me wonder (a) why I continue to live in WNY and (b) why I shouldn't just go into hibernation for a month. I know the answer to the second one -- people frown on you trying to sleep away a month. And on the first, I guess by now I should conclude that I've decided to stay in WNY, even in February, and live with it. But 5 degrees and cold strains my love for the region.

I used to just ignore the "forward this or you will die" e-mails, but last year's adventures stained my patience. I've now asked a couple of people to take me off their list for those and I think more are likely to hear that request. But why do they need to be asked?

Billy said...

#4 expensive art.

The reason why abstract art gets street cred is because they are created by art masters. Picasso was so accomplished that he can paint any of the classical art forms with his eyes closed by the age 13.

Any museum curator will tell you that they will not even look at any abstract art if the abstract artist in question has not mastered all art disciplines.

You do tend to learn a thing or two in art history class.

Lisa said...

I don't care who it's painted by or whether they've mastered other disciplines. I'm still not impressed. Also, I don't agree that all Abstract Modernism paintings that cost money are just famous painters' leftovers. I've seen plenty that are by people I've never heard of. Nope, still not cred-worthy in my book. It stays in my bottom 10.

Oh and Erik: Good call on the Forever Stamps. I got some yesterday. Although, according to the sign in the post office, they just came in to existence at the end of May - so at least I'm not THAT behind the times.

Also, to all: I'd like to point out that while things like melted cheese and abstract modernism might be in MY bottom 10, that doesn't mean those things have to be in yours. I challenge you to make your own bottom 10. :-) Come on, you know you want to.

Ben said...

Jerzy only made it to number 3??

Jerzy said...

I'll keep working on it.