Sunday, November 1, 2009

Slutty pumpkins

I do love Facebook for many things. Mostly for the spying capabilities it gives me, which at this point it would be hard to live without. But do you know when I don't like Facebook? November 1. Why? Because it forces me to deal with a part of life that I just try to ignore the other 364 days a year. What, you ask? Open up your Facebook account and see if you can guess what I might be talking about.

That's right, you guessed it. Apparently all of my female Facebook friends who went to a Halloween party this year had the same costume. Hooker. Which leaves me confused as to why they post captions like, "Snow White!" "Batgirl!" "Cat!" "Lion!" "Referee!" and a myriad of other ill-conceived polyester nightmares that clearly they purchased at Ricky's, along with a package of fishnets and way too much black eyeliner. If you're going to dress up like a hooker, why not just call it what it is?

Halloween makes me hate humanity. I don't dress up for Halloween anymore, and I haven't since college, when my friends forced me to dress up for college parties. In college. But now I'm an adult, living in an apartment, and no, I did not have a Halloween costume. Everyone at work acted like I am the devil incarnate for not having a costume. They all had one. But surprise, they all had the same one.

If you're wearing a costume to a costume party, fine. But what happened to creativity? And why all the cleavage?! My family was never one to go out and purchase costumes for Halloween. We cobbled together what we had, either from dance costumes or clothes lying around, and went each year as something modest and wholesome, like a chef, a monk, a beauty pageant winner (in a DRESS, not a bathing suit), Steve Urkel, Hillary Clinton, and a myriad of other simple and sometimes topical bursts of creativity, usually on my mom's part.

Which is why when someone at work told me they were going as a referee I thought, okay, cute, maybe her dad has an old ref shirt she's borrowing. Much to my surprise, her pictures on Facebook reveal a very different pair of referees, if you know what I'm saying. She went to the party dressed as a hooker.

While I'm on the topic, one of the most infuriating slutty costumes on Halloween to me (besides the sluttification of a myriad of beloved Disney characters) is a cowgirl. Now I went to a college party dressed as a cowgirl once. Do you know what I wore? Jeans and a flannel shirt. Why? Because that is what "cowgirls" look like. Have you people ever been to a farm?! Cowgirls have mud on their face, not glitter. A real cowgirl would never wear a mini-skirt, high-heeled boots, and a bathing suit top. Another infuriating costume is a cat. Sorry, but slapping on a hot pink bra, the tightest, shortest, most see-through dress you can find, fishnets, and 6 inch heels does NOT make you look like a cat, no matter what kind of ears you are wearing. Unless by cat you mean prostitute. Oh, and another good one I saw on Facebook. Army soldier. In hotpants, fishnets, go-go boots, and clown makeup (I mean, I'm sure it was regular day-to-day makeup, but it sure looked like clown makeup to me). Soldier? Have you ever seen a movie in your entire life? Or the news?

And in case you are like me and do not have kids to dress up for Halloween, guess what you have to look forward to? You guessed it. They're starting them young. Check out the picture on this page. Please parents, do NOT buy hooker costumes for your little girls.

As more and more pictures get posted on Facebook today, I get more and more upset. To all the women who went out last night dressed as hookers, have a little self-respect! And besides that, you're making yourself look like an idiot who can't come up with any creative ideas except taking off all your clothes. Grow up. And please for the love of all that is holy, put on a ******* jacket.

As Ryan says, better luck next year, Halloween.

3 comments:

Ryan said...

What's wrong with you, Lisa? Don't you like fun? or boobs?

Ben said...

hahahaha, my sister and I were just talking about this earlier as we looked at her roommates pics.

Lisa said...

I know, it's crazy, right?! And it's all up in my face thanks to the wonders of Facebook. Sighhhh.