Thursday, April 7, 2011

Eternal Sunshine of the Not-So-Spotless Mind

I'm getting the sense that you guys are not understanding the different kinds of dating fails I've been having recently. I've already explained to you how everything goes horribly wrong when I meet a boy at a party. But there are many other kinds of relationship wonders that happen in my life, and I feel like I should share another category of failure with you so that you can feel better about your own romantic forays. (And also because I know you like my drawings. Yay drawings!)

See, I'm sure you have been thinking after reading my recent posts, "It's obvious what you should do, dummy! Stop trying to meet boys at parties and bars. Instead date your FRIENDS!" Wow guys, what a terrible idea. Well, no, I mean, in theory it's a good idea. In the past my "successful" relationships have indeed come from friendships, so it makes sense. It used to work. I thought it was a good idea too. But lately this is how it's been going (get ready guys!):

Step 1: Friend's ex breaks up with him 2 years ago. (Happens to the best of us.)

Step 2: Friend sleeps around immediately. (Part of the grieving process I think.)

Step 3: Friend wallows in self-despair for 2 years. (Uh... dude. It was 2 years ago. I mean, people break up. Everyone else in the world has survived breakups. Right? Come on, lil buddy.)

Step 4: Friend pours his heart out to me. (Long silences, heartfelt emotion. My specialty.)

Step 5: I resolve to show friend there's more to life than his ex. (This is New York! Concrete jungle wet dreams are made of!! ... Are those not the lyrics?... Good riddance to whatshername, make new memories to replace the old ones! Who can turn the world on with her smile?)

Step 6: Friend decides we have chemistry and a lot in common but he never noticed it before because of whatshername. (Story of my life.)

Step 7: Chemistry continues ambiguously for a long time. (Awkwarrrrd.)

Step 8: Friend starts a relationship with me in some form. (Asks me on a series of dates, sometimes goes for more. All signals are crystal clear.)

Step 9: Before things even have a chance to really get started, friend completely freaks out. (And runs away immediately with little to no action taken by me whatsoever, leaving me clueless and confused.)

Step 10: Friend comes back a week later and apologizes, telling me he realized he's not ready for this because he still isn't over his ex-girlfriend from 2 years ago. (Sigh.)

And if you think this has only happened to me once, you are sorely mistaken. Yeah, this seems to be a trend. And somehow it doesn't seem to matter that the other girl is in some way completely disinterested and unavailable (is engaged to someone else, got preggers and moved across the country with another guy... hell, came out as a lesbian -- could it get more unavailable than that?), or that she broke up with him years and years ago. For some reason I'm the one they decide to come after, and then I'm also the one they run away from because somehow amid all that carnage they're still not over their ex.

And I'm thinking:

Yay!! I'm like the girl Tom meets at the very end of 500 Days of Summer!!

...........If then they made a sequel where Tom started dating me, and then realized he wasn't over Summer, but she doesn't want him back, but he doesn't care and obsesses over it for another few years, leaving me confused!

Great movie, right? Damn, someone should send this screenplay to Hollywood!

It's really something... I seem to just have a special talent. So feel free to tell all your friends who aren't over their exes who broke up with them a couple years ago that you know the PERFECT woman for them to date. I mean, when you're good, you're good.

I should put this on my resume.


Dan Horan said...

Lisa, so well done! This post has everything you could ask for: granola-bar drawings, reference to 500 Days of Summer (the BEST movie ever!) and humor -- it's just missing a happy ending :o(

Maybe things will pick up in Chapel Hill!

Lisa said...

Thanks Dan! Here's hoping, right? ;)