Sunday, January 6, 2013

Seeking Mr. Right-there-jumping-out-of-that-plane

I'm turning 30 in a few months, and I recently realized I'm now at the age I made a lot of promises about in the past. One of those promises was that if I was still single at 30, I'd try online dating. I've had an onslaught of terrible dating experiences in the last year (including someone who turned out to be a drug dealer, someone who was mad I didn't want to come hang out at his bedbug-infested apartment, and a commitment-phobe friend who constantly appeared to be doing an uncanny Jekyll and Hyde impression). And I really have no time to meet anyone else. So, I signed up for Match.com. You know, to meet some normal guys. (Wow.)

There's no end to what I could write about my experiences on Match.com, and I've only been on the site for a week. (My favorite is probably the guy whose opening line was, "Hey baby u r cute n sexy, come cuddle w me by my fireplace." Sounds great, what's the address?!) But there is one issue in particular I'd like to take up.

Did you know that 99% of the guys on Match.com are adventure travelers? It seems dubious to me too, but let's continue as if it's true. The majority of guys on the site go on and on about all of the outdoor adventure activity they do, including mountain climbing, ziplining, white water rafting, bungee jumping, parasailing, sky diving, someone even talked about alligator wrestling. And of course they love traveling and frequent all these crazy places like Iceland and Belize and Egypt and Greece and the rainforests or whatever. They are outdoors all the time, playing every sport that was ever invented, including some you've never heard of (sled hockey?), and they work out 5+ times a week.

Come on.

I live in North Carolina, 3 hours away from the mountains and 3 hours away from the beach. These guys say they are ambitious and have pretty good jobs where they are making average salaries. How exactly are they ziplining regularly? And where? And how are they getting time off from work to travel all the time, at age 30? And with what money? I don't buy it.

But that's not even what bothers me. The real kicker here is the type of girl they are all looking for. Now on my profile, I checked off the boxes saying that I want someone who wants kids and who's single (... why I have to specify this troubles me). And I wrote out by hand that I am looking for an easy-going, honest, passionate guy. Are those the type of characteristics these guys are looking for? Not even close.

She has to be beautiful and adventurous and also love adventure sports like ziplining and whatever the hell, and she also has to love to travel. She has to be open to trying anything (I'm assuming this means sexual positions) and be outgoing and extroverted and like to go out but also like to stay in. She has to be a great conversationalist, smart, witty, funny, and "not get embarrassed easily." (Why are we specifying this? Again, troubled.) She has to be into sports - playing sports and watching sports - and be able to kick back with the guys. She also has to be ambitious, be smart and successful, be educated and have a great job, be family-oriented, be career-driven, want to have (and, unspoken, take care of) kids, knows how to take care of herself (I can only assume this means that she's thin and has highlights and gets manicures), be outdoorsy, like to be outside all the time (these are apparently two different things), like to camp and hike, be "active" and work out frequently, did I mention beautiful?, like all different kinds of foods and be willing to try - and LIKE, goddammit - any kind of exotic food, not be pessimistic or complain, be loyal and honest, not be self-conscious about anything (... you're helping), know who she is and what she wants, and, my favorite part, ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM.

Wow you guys. This is a joke, right? Do you sincerely think you can find all of this in one person? Have you considered the fact that you are on Match.com because this is what you're holding out for?! First of all, these guys check off "slender" as the body type for their match... they rarely check off "athletic and toned." But you want someone who does these adventure sports and plays sports too and works out every day? Huh? And how are you going to find someone who is career-driven and is family-oriented and is beautiful who also has time to play sports as an adult and like hike around all the time and wrestle alligators? What? I do know girls who do that kind of stuff, but believe me most of them do not meet all these other criteria, including having the hot model appearance you desire.

But also, think hard - DO YOU REALLY WANT THIS? I don't think you want this type of girl, if she even exists, because then she'd be too intimidating and you'd feel like she was overshadowing you and better than you at the things you do, and lord knows that would be a problem.

So I offer this plea to the guys of Match.com. Refocus. Look for a girl who doesn't mind that you (apparently) want to go off ziplining, but who might want to lay in the sunshine and read a book while you do. (To work on that tan you demand she have, obviously.) Or pick, like, two of the major things you're looking for. Like, she has to be adventurous and beautiful, but it's okay if she's a waitress. You know? Be a little more realistic. I'm not saying let go of your dreams. But get a grip. Everyone is not Angelina Jolie. (Not that you'd be into her, since she's athletic and toned and probably doesn't have time for parachuting with all those babies in tow.)

It's this bad, and I haven't even been on a date. Good lord. Clearly I'm going to be single forever.


10 comments:

Emily said...

Ugh, online dating. I did that on and off for a few years and met a lot of losers, and was contacted by even more. I was on OKCupid, so there weren't as many adventurers; mostly guys who thought that, because they knew a few big words, they'd win over the hearts of any girl lacking a duck-face photo.

After many, many bad dates (one guy told me on our first date that his goal in life was to knock up a rich girl and be "taken care of"--seriously), I eventually met a really great guy and we're engaged now. I know that's a really gross way of ending things, but if you can get past the ziplining, the claims of extravagant vacations, and endless male delusions, someone might be out there! Or maybe not. That cat is your perfect match--that sounds good to me.

Good luck!

nicole shoe said...

Hahah been there done this...numerous times. A guy friend I have told me...well if I've waited this long to meet someone, I want them to be perfect...WTF.
And the 30 thing? Don't sweat it. I did and ended up dating someone I wasn't really into and wasting my time. I've now been single for over 8 months with no end in site--but at least I'm having a good time doing what I want with no restrictions.
P.S. My cousin has really really good dating stories.

tlg said...

are you kidding me? how does someone like you NOT find a date? good looking, intelligent and a good story teller. wow times must be tough.

incredulous!!

Lisa said...

Thanks so much, guys!! :)
-Lisa

Brother John said...

Lisa, I too am trying an on-line dating service. It's not as bad for the guys evidently, but I've already been hooked up with a scammer who probably isn't even a woman! I'm currently playing along with her scam just to see how it works. I'll stop when the money requests start, which should be tonight or tomorrow. It's quite educational. I'm lucky the on-line dating service itself discovered "her" deception and informed me. Don't think she could have conned me out of my money, but she was starting to worm her way into my heart. Luckily it was not yet deep enough to be devastating. Sad really.

Lisa said...

Brother John,
You should go on the show Catfish! Good luck with that. I hope you find someone legit.
-Lisa

Jane said...

Lisa, you are singing my song. This is what I discovered online dating: the women are infinitely better quality than the men. That is to say, there are really great girls online but the guys are weird, rude, crazy, ugly, etc.

Good luck lady, you can read about my friends and our online dating at: www.bonerintheback.wordpress.com -- maybe it'll help?

Jane

Hailey said...

Amen to that! Online dating is seriously frustrating.... Dont know why i am still trying! Haha

Justin said...

I found this Blog as I searched for stats/horror stories related to Match. I enjoyed the wit, the read and you appear to be quite the catch judging by the flavor of your writing and the picture. Obviously smart, sarcastic, funny and easy on the eyes. Huge wins anywhere.

I live in and love Montana and I go do something active EVERY weekend. I have the benefit of 57 mountain ranges, rivers and streams too numerous to count, badlands, prarie, and a diversity of wildlife that is unrivaled. I would be a failure at life if I didn't get out every weekend and float, hike, bike, snowshoe or just sit in seemingly never ending landscape and read a book. I was in Tanzania the month of January, I will be in Honduras next January. I am 40 this year, but have managed an international trip nearly every year since I was 30. I am just writing because there are guys that do those things that 99% of Match guys say they do. In doing what I love, I find that meeting women with like interests is much easier than logging onto Match could ever possibly be. Oh and I play all the sports too, so I guess I am the 1% that would have to try a different angle on Match since the 99% wish they were me.

Go do what you love, where you love and the dating opportunities will line up at your porch. Or move to Montana where we don't appreciate online dating but we do appreciate intelligent, creative,and beautiful women.

Dan said...

Aww aren't you being a little tough on the guys? I checked out match and some other sites, and the girls are every bit as guilty of it as the dudes (except Justin, who appears to be the genuine article.. uh huh). You'd be astounded at how many "outgoing, athletic, adventurous, country music enthusiast" females there are out there. Combing through pages and pages of profiles all utterly bereft of even the smallest semblance of individuality or personality was enough to make me scream. I promptly severed all ties to match.

Oh and I totally feel you on that biological clock thing.. except in my case it's hair follicles, muscle mass, and a functional prostate.